I am a Working Mum. It's a badge I used to feel self conscious about, but now I am trying to let it sit more comfortably. Why does it even matter? Lots of Mums work, lots don't. But somehow the "labels" - Working Mum, Stay at Home Mum, Work at Home Mum seem to have become far more politicised.
Let's be honest, all Mums are Working Mums. You stay at home with my two boys for the day and see if you aren't exhausted at the end of it. Raising children is hard work, work that should be acknowledged, rewarded and respected. So I am really talking about being a mum who has a job outside of the home.
Last week I finally succumbed to being full time (I used to work a five day week in four days). It felt like a massive shift. One I wasn't sure I was ready for.
It coincided with some issues for Bear at school too which just adds to the Mummy guilt.
Now I don't work a 9-5 job, never have. But the fact that I work for an international organisation with bosses in the US and UK means I often work all the hours on the clock, which can be fairly anti-social. So in deciding to go full time I knew I'd have to come up with a flexible plan that worked for our family.
So now I split shift. Three mornings a week at least I am on calls with the US and working between 6-8am then I take a two hour break to be Mum, do the school and daycare run and some exercise for myself, before getting back to my desk. Two days Bear is in after school care meaning I can work till 5 or 5.30pm. The other days I ride to school and pick him up. He comes home and has a snack, does chores and homework while I knock out at least another hour at my desk. Two or more evenings a night I work 8-10pm to pick up Europe.
Sounds mental right? But it works. At least it is working so far. At first I was worried about what other people would think until a friend told me I was nuts ("you work harder than a lot of people, who cares when you do it" was her sage advice) and my boss said "As long as your deliver the results what do I care when you are at your desk". It was a great reminder that it is the delivery that matters.
My split shift lifestyle might sound nuts to some, and utterly undesirable to others. But my flexible working arrangements mean I can take my kids to school and day care every day, I can give my eldest the support he needs - my need to work doesn't have to add to his fatigue and therefore his behaviour challenges. By talking it through with REG we also came up with a plan that works for both of us. He picks up the Bean daily and both of them on the days when Bear is in after school care.
REG is travelling this week but the routine is flexible (and robust) enough that I know while it will be tiring it will also be totally do-able. When I am away he feels the same. And I am away a lot.
How do I deal with the guilt now? By being as fully present as I can when I am in "Mummy mode". I don't take calls, I try and stay off my phone and off email (Facebook is a work in progress). If I travel over weekends I take time in lieu. I don't feel rushed or guilty if I am parent helper for a morning at school. I also clearly signpost to work colleagues when I won't be around. REG was away for ten days so I made a no morning calls rule for that time as I didn't think I could juggle it all. Colleagues were respectful.
I know I am fortunate - I work from home, have understanding bosses, and a supportive partner. We have access to good schools and childcare and a solid support system of friends. If we need her to my Mum will come to us and help out for longer periods. I recognise these are options and opportunities not available to all.
I work for me. It is good for my mental health, it is good for my sense of identity, and I like having income that I bring into the family. I also work for my boys. I want them to see that women work, we hold positions of importance outside of the home as well as inside it. I want them to see and learn that families are teams, that parents are partners and that we are in this together.
Reminding myself of that is how I deal with the guilt. How do you deal with it? And should we even have guilt?
